"The People Pleaser Inside..."

At this big age, I thought I had killed, removed, overcome—whatever word fits—the people pleaser that ran my life for most of my life. I’ve done the work in therapy, day to day, and just continued to live. Turning 40 I thought, I’ve mastered (that’s the word I was looking for earlier) the people pleaser. I know what I want, and I confidently do or say that regardless of what others think or say. And that’s been my mantra. I’m not ugly about it, or rude, or mean. I’m just living with a newfound trust in my abilities—with God’s help and guidance—to live my life. I think becoming a mother last year really started to solidify the death of the people pleaser. As a mother, I’m so focused on making sure my son is well cared for that the opinions of others seem to matter less. (But those opinions… any parents reading this blog? Why are there so many unsolicited opinions when you become a parent? I digress…). 

Anyway, story time. So, my husband and I have been contemplating changing daycare centers for our son. The current daycare center is fine… like he’s not being abused or mistreated. We absolutely love his teacher (Ms. H) and he loves her. However, some of our expectations are not being met—mainly administratively. While debating about transitioning our son, I drove by a daycare center and decided I’d do a little research (you know, found their website, read the reviews, and we took a tour) and fell in love. I, honestly, didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. We decided on the transition after much discussion among ourselves, discussion with family and friends, and several prayers. Since I lead our son’s caregiving tasks, it was my job to complete the intake form at the new place and write the withdrawal letter for the previous one. When I drove to deliver our withdrawal letter, my stomach was in knots, and I had a lump in my throat. I was so anxious I could barely speak. I recognized this anxiety immediately. My old friend, the People Pleaser, was back and on high alert. I was letting my son’s teacher down. What would she think of me? What would the administration think of me? Despite all the preparation, planning, and research I was second guessing our decision. My husband was completely unphased during this process. (Honestly, I love that about him. I appreciate his calm during my storms). Of course, I submitted the withdrawal letter, but that lead me to evaluate from where these people-pleasing behaviors stem. 

I believe the behaviors stem from the need to be the “perfect” child. I wasn’t raised by either of my parents, and while I knew my Granny loved and still loves me, I didn’t want to be a burden. If I’m perfect, she won’t be stressed, and she’ll keep us (my younger brother and me). I don’t think I’ve ever voiced these fears aloud to her. Honestly, if my Granny ever reads this blog, I know this will cause her some sadness. That’s not my intention, but it is valuable to learn from our childhood especially when these triggers, hurts, etc. are negatively influencing our adulthood. So many of us have childhood stuff… childhood traumas… childhood hurts that only get better when we do the work. This work can be achieved through honest self-reflection, therapy, meditation, medication, and so on and so on. I’ve done the work, but in this moment, I realized there was more work to be done. My voice, my desires, my plans should be guided by me most of the time. But instead, when the People Pleaser is in charge, I’m guided by their voice, their desires, and their plans. These moments are filled with thoughts of will I offend someone? How will so and so feel or think about this response? Should I do something different? How will they see me? It’s exhausting to worry about what others will think of me. In these moments, I must shut these thoughts off. I must stop this negative train of thoughts from continuing. So, I take a deep breath to ground myself and remind myself that I am doing what is best for me, my family, my career, my etc. at this time with the information I have available to me. And that is enough.

~ Dr. K