"We Teach People How to Treat Us"

I’ve heard this saying off and on during my adulthood— “we teach people how to treat us.” It’s such a powerful and annoying phrase in my opinion lol. How powerful it is to know that I have some control over what happens to me. That I have somewhat of a say in how and what things happen to me when it comes to being in relationship with others. But it’s also work. We don’t just teach people through a form of osmosis or telepathy. No, no. We must reinforce things we like and ignore or correct things we don’t like. Otherwise, people can offend and upset us and not know why.

When I was completing my psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) program at Vanderbilt University, we had to complete clinical hours at different organizations. One organization placement for me was the RIP services (not like “rest in peace” but pronounced like rip off the Band-Aid). Anyway, I think it stood for the Regional Intervention Program. One of the most important skills to teaching people how to treat us was taught to me in this program. The RIP service was for parents to learn skills to manage their child(ren)’s challenging behaviors. One of the key strategies I learned was to praise good behavior and ignore bad behavior. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking… Are you serious? Does that work? I remember thinking the exact same things when I was being oriented to the program. For example, if a child was sitting in their chair, paying attention to the teacher, and raising their hand to speak, the teacher would praise them. “Shannon, you sure are sitting so nicely. Ben, thank you for using your inside voice. Jacob, I like how you are raising your hand.” Now on the opposite side of the classroom, another child might be getting out of his/her/their seat without asking, playing with a toy instead of listening to the teacher. These behaviors were IGNORED. I remember the first time I saw this happen, I wanted to say something to the child that wasn’t following the rules, but saying something would’ve feed into what the child wanted: ATTENTION. The teacher would continue to ignore the unwanted behaviors and praise the children who were following the rules. After a while, sometimes the child doing unwanted behaviors would stop and start to follow the rules so they could receive praise. Other times the child would “up the ante” and other strategies would need to follow to ensure the safety of all involved. But that’s a story for another day…

I tried this strategy with teenagers, with family, with people I dated before I got married, and my husband. (As I’m writing this, I’m reminded that I need to get back to using this strategy with my husband. He’s amazing and truly has my back. Love you, babe!). So, you might be thinking, I get how it can work with children. That makes sense. But how do I get this strategy to work with adults? Or someone I love, or I’m interested in? I promise this strategy works. The concept is the same. Praise the good and ignore or correct the bad. 

Earlier today a family member sent me a text about someone from my childhood neighborhood having a medical scare. This text was distressing to me because there was no warning or preparation. I opened the message and BAM! I’m not a fan of receiving bad news via text so I responded to the sender with the request that next time please text me and let me know I need to call you because something is going on with one of the neighbors. Another example might be that you like to receive “Good morning” and “Goodnight” texts from your significant other. In this case, you might mention that you like it when they text you. Too forward? Well, maybe when you receive the “Good morning” or “Goodnight” texts make sure you respond to them with a kind text so the sender knows you like receiving them. 

During my PMHNP program, it was suggested to us that we read the book, Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I read most of the book and really liked it. The analogy about our lives being a yard has stuck with me to this day. We might have our yard fenced in or it might be lined with trees. How we choose to decorate our yard is up to us, and how we maintain it is also up to us. We make the rules just like in our own lives. We don’t go to anyone’s home without recognizing and following the rules of the house (or at least we shouldn’t). We don’t walk in someone’s yard without reason or without making sure to walk on the path they created. Well, the same can be said for relationships. We should do things in relationships that make the other person happy and try not to do things that upset them. Let’s pay attention to behaviors we like and give praise when those things happen. And with behaviors we don’t like, ignore, or correct the behaviors. (I know I’ve said ignore or correct the behaviors without much guidance. I think the decision to ignore or correct is up to the individual. Do a quick self-assessment. For me, things that don’t really bother me, can be ignored. Things that are quite bothersome or upsetting to me, I correct. This correction can be as simple as the example I shared about the text I received from a family member). Let’s see who appreciates our boundaries and who disregards them. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Teach them well.

~ Dr. K