"What I Wish I Knew"

As my younger cousin prepares to go off to college, I am reminded of my own experiences. My younger cousin is gorgeous. She’s an athlete and has a good attitude (at least most of the time lol). However, growing up where we did, she is sheltered. I was sheltered. She thinks she’s street smart, but how much can we know growing up in rural west Tennessee? She thinks she’s ready, and maybe she is, but I know the world is unkind. People are cruel. And all I want to do is prepare her better than I was prepared. My family is extremely conservative and “very” Christian. I remember our pastor’s wife suggesting that I not have a boyfriend in high school because Jesus was my boyfriend. (I know, I know… it’s funny now, but I did tell boys in high school that Jesus was my boyfriend when they wanted to date me). While I get what she meant, it didn’t’ truly prepare me to engage with men when I went to college. I didn’t date in high school or have a boyfriend really. (We’ve already discussed why). I was so focused on protecting my virginity that living life as a teenager was predominantly filled with church, church meetings, and outings with other church members. So, I was ill-prepared to have a conversation with a man who found me attractive. Again, don’t get me wrong. Having strong Christian values is fine. Having a strong moral compass is nothing to be ashamed of. However, if there is no time or limited time to have conversations about other things that happen in the world, don’t be surprised when you can’t keep up. I had no practice. 

Before I share the not so pleasant and downright ugly parts of my college experience, I want to share the parts of college I still treasure today. My first college friend group and my sorority sisters. My freshman and sophomore year were filled with parties, kickbacks, meet ups, sleep overs, late night talks, and a Spring Break trip or two with these girls… Toshua, Peaches, and Candace. I loved and still love these women even though I haven’t talked to them in years. It was this friend group and others in the dorm (McCord Hall) that helped me become the woman I am today. They gave me advice about life, dating, and so much more. I’m forever grateful for those talks, for those moments, for those laughs. We also had a pact that we would never go to a party and leave without making sure we were all good. Never leave a woman behind, and we didn’t. 

Now my sorority comes into the picture a few weeks before I started college. When I first moved to college, my father and stepmother lived in the same town with my two sisters. My stepmother wanted me to talk to a college student because she recognized how naive I was. The student I talked with was a member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. Little did I know that that connection would lead to continued connections and a sense of sisterhood before I joined the sorority. They would make sure I was attending my classes, which was never a problem for me. I’ve always loved school. Ask me about the guys I was interested in and took a genuine interest in me. They were like big sisters, which is exactly what this small-town girl needed.

I did find love at college. One of the most unexpected relationships came from a transfer, basketball player my junior year (I think it was my junior year). He taught me so much about love, compromise, and blending two worlds. It was sweet. It was challenging, and in the end, it fizzled out. 

Now to the parts of the story that left scares. The parts of the story I try to warn my cousin about—what I wish I knew. Before I left for college, one piece of advice my Granny gave me was to never leave my drink unattended when I’m out (and to this day I don’t). However, I think I should reword this advice to something like “never take a drink from someone you didn’t see prepared.” This slight rewording of the advice may have prevented me from becoming a member of the #METOO movement. 

I was watching movies in a boy’s dorm room. (I was so naïve. At the time when I was asked to watch movies in college, I thought that’s exactly what he meant. I didn’t realize that watching movies meant having sex or at least creating the opportunity for sex to occur. I know, I know. I really was naïve. For any other naïve college student or young adult who doesn’t have much experience with dating, hanging out, or hooking up [or whatever the new term is for this generation], please be mindful of your surroundings). Now, back to the current story, he made a drink in the other room for me. I drank it and went to sleep. I’ve never been that tired before in my life. I remember saying “No” but that’s about it. He took advantage of me, and I didn’t tell anyone. He left college that same semester, and only tried to contact me a semester later by phone. I accused him of hurting me. He denied it. I continue to plead my case, and then he said, “I didn’t do anything to you, but if you think I did, you should just forget it.” (Or something similar… for me the key phrase was to “just forget it”). So that’s exactly what I did… or at least tried to do. It would be almost 10 years before I ever shared this experience with someone else and the first time, I admitted that I was raped). 

“Just forget about it…” That “out” is what I took. I buried that truth deep, deep inside. It took therapy, courage, prayers, and many, many years before I shared my truth with anyone. It’s this part of college that I want to protect my cousin from. It’s this heartache and pain that I don’t want anyone else to experience. Overcoming this pain, this trauma took intention, it took work, and it took time to heal. My heart is whole, but I wish that I didn’t have to go through this trauma. What I wish I knew is that the world is beautiful, kind, and ever-changing but there is also a dark and manipulative side of this same world. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have. One day at a time. One choice at a time. 

~ Dr. K